Excuses excuses
I say when I’m on my own i’ll do this and this, but only when I’m free to do as I wish. Reasonable plan in my eyes, but then I realized I’m just making excuses. I say I want to eat healthier, but then I say when I live in my own house. I say I want to keep my house cleaner, but then I say when it’s only my mess. I say I want to cook this, but then I say when I’m only cooking for myself. I use others as excuses to not try for my goals, it’s pathetic. Yea, living under my parents roof where groceries, and cleanliness are kinda decided for me may make my small goals a little difficult. But not impossible. I just need to stop making excuses and work my way through those obstacles to reach my true goal.
Burdens
Can you survive while truly being alone? You can talk to yourself all you want, and try to work through your problems but the burden of your words never leaves you. You need that person to talk with, a person to simply listen. You need a person to release your burdens to. You carry more than just your problems with you, you are a problem collector. People come to you when they need to just talk, when they need advice and to be cheered up. It’s great but sometimes you need to remember to tell them that you need them just as much. You’re letting your burdens suffocate you. That is why you are having these thoughts. Talk to someone, and let them go. You can’t go on like this.
"I miss you I miss you I miss you. We keep looking at one another but I feel a disconnect, we are looking through each other. Lock eyes with me just once, feel everything I feel. Let me prove to you I understand. Give me a chance, I’m trying hard. "
"To myself, what are you doing? Running in circles, wishing and dreaming but not doing. What is wrong with you! Get yourself together! You are on the cusp of greatness and you’re stumbling like a fool. Calm your dang mind, and simply do. "
"To another person all together why are we still dragging this on? Actually why am I? I’m miserable, no not exactly miserable because that’s a strong word, I’m just unhappy. I listen, listen, listen but I never feel heard. I try, but only get second best. This isn’t fair, and with the changes I don’t know how to act. Can’t you open your eyes? I need a person too sometimes, but who am I to turn too? But you’ll never realize this, even if I say it to your face. "
"So now what? Are we done? I don’t think we are. I have a strong feeling that this isn’t over, I can’t move on. There’s something that’s still tying me to you. There’s something we need to say to one another, I know, I can sense it. I see the way you look at me, your expression may be stern but your eyes give you away. It’s impossible to hide the truth from me, I’ll find out someway. I miss you, and I understand the reasons now. I need to say my apologies, I need to let go of our ties. Give me a voice to say hello again, please for old times? "
"Everything’s getting harder while getting easier. I wish I could put my heart in a box, I’m being led astray again. I just want to say that I understand, but our talk will never happen. I miss you. "
Why being a girl isn't working out for me:
- Body: Oh, guess what time of the month it is!
- Me: Please, god, no--
- Ovaries: ALL SYSTEMS GOOOOOOOO!!!
- Brain: I quit. i quit. kittens and cupcakes and no one loves me. oh my god salty snacks i am furious
- Me: Please, guys, calm down--
- Face: TIME TO RUIN EVERYTHING YOU HAVE EVER LIKED ABOUT ME. I'M GROWING MOUNTAINS, BITCHES.
- Brain: And now I'm ugly! shbdksdnksbn
- Torso: Time to practice labor. cramp this bitch up. GO GO GO GO GO GO
- Me: STOP IT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!
- Stomach: lol clothes cant fit you anymore. you are bloated. you are now a balloooooooon!
- Me: I hate you all
- Brain: I KNOW EVERYONE HATES ME I AM SO DEPRESSED. we need to procreate.
- Face: Lol, i'm not done yet.
- Uterus: what did i ever do to deserve this?
- Brain: you just wait uterus. they're going to make you hold a baby for like 9 months straight.
- Uterus: You mother fuckers.
- Torso: CONTRACT!
- Me: I quit being female, I am now a llama.
- Brain: Me gusta.
It’s back.
Sometimes I need to remember to be honest with myself. I’m struggling right now. Floundering actually. Everyday is turning into a battle. I’m torn in my mind. One half of me sees the future and is ready to jump any hurdles and face my fears. The other half is giving up/ has given up. I can’t do this alone. For once I’m admitting it. This is a problem, and I can’t fix it alone. Im suffering alone, again, like before. I don’t want to go through all that again. But it’s so easy to fall prey to my mind when there’s no one else around. Atleast no one paying attention. It’s to much trouble to ask for help now. Ive gotten to the self loathing stage. You would think since I know exactly what’s happening to me I’d be able to control it. But I can’t. Because maybe I like it. Because these thoughts are easy. I’ve given up.
